There can be no doubt about it now.
A slow suicide. Murderer - victim - witness - anaesthetist,
side by side. The hate and love are one.
I love myself and so want to relieve myself of the pain
of hating myself, so I kill myself.
I have had this song by Concha Buika in my head over
the last months, day and night, and only suddenly
realised last night that I am singing it to myself.
No habra nadie en el mundo
que cure la herida que dejo tu orgullo.
Yo no comprendo que tu me lastimes
con todo todo el amor que tu me diste.
(There is no one in the world
who can cure the wound left by your pride.
I don't understand how you can hurt me
after having loved me so much.)
So how is the end to be? And how long does it take?
Do I suddenly find the will and fight for my life,
this will that I have not found in normal life?
Do I just slip deeper into an anaethetised state,
as seems to be happening in parts of my life?
Do I writhe about in pain as I fall apart in the gutter,
as seems also to be happening at the same time?
Alcoholism is a comforting weapon.
It attacks the cells, liver, heart, muscles, ....
leading to lethargy, tiredness, and only a little pain.
It attacks the spirit, more lethargy and tiredness ....
The Spiritual pain is eased by the general numbness.
One might hardly notice that anything is happening
until there is a major collapse.
And the hand that reaches for the weapon, what of it?
"Just this one. It won't do any harm"
The mouth that swallows the poison, what say you?
"It is a long time since there was any joy in the taste of wine."
And the silent witness to the crime?
"He can control it or say stop at any time?"
The murderer, "There must be a death, for there to be a rebirth".
And the victim repeats the mantra tought by the elders,
"I am bad. I deserve to be punished.
I have done bad things, even if I don't know what they are."
But somewhere there is a feint cry for help
even if it can hardly be heard.
Who is that calling, "Please help me."
And somewhere too, there is always an angel listening.
Monday, 21 December 2009
Saturday, 12 December 2009
Losing my mind
Oh, wow!
I think I've lost my mind.
Now where could it be?
If you see it around please let me know,
so that I can keep an eye on it,
and ensure that it keeps its distance.
I think I've lost my mind.
Now where could it be?
If you see it around please let me know,
so that I can keep an eye on it,
and ensure that it keeps its distance.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Waves of Crisis
Well it has been a bit of a roller-coaster these last few weeks. On Monday night my men's group helped me to identify some inner conflicting voices, we did a bit of psychodrama of this. I write it down and speak about it with different friends to get it out of my head and try and work with it. So here is an evolving draft.
I have one inner 'voice' going - "Just get a job like everyone else. To eat and pay the rent everyone has to work. Just swallow your pride for this once and get on with it. I have loads of experience and skills to offer". There are moments I believe this, my energy rises to it and I begin to act on it. Last week I was in a wave of this. The legs and hips were energetic and I even went for a run.
Then (by Friday) my body took over, tiredness, very painful hips and legs, lethargy, unable to focus. I see that over the week I only contacted 2 possibilities, with little enthusiasm. The mind-voice that goes with this is; "I am 55, severely arthritic, never employed, with a strange CV, nobody is going to employ me, and I couldn't do it anyway." I spent Friday and Saturday sobbing, fairly paralysed.
These are accompanied by my sensitive observations (third voice), that we cannot go on in our insensitive blind exploitation of the world and each other;
* global ecological systems are in crisis, water, fish, land, species, climate, ...
* the banks, pension funds, governments are still in super financial crisis
that they are not fully revealing so as not to scare people further
This is all about to break down any minute (2012 or whatever). In this case just getting a job and returning to desensitise myself with the comfort of regular money and consumption will not help me. "My personal crisis is a "City shadow", I have to live it and learn from it, honing my skills and sensitivity, to help others who will face similar crises."
And a fourth voice says OK, all the above have some real and/or neurotic roots but they are also all illusion. Things happen at a wider spiritual, transpersonal dimension. Trust the Gods. Dreams and meditations tell me to trust, pay attention, the 'angels' are taking care of me.
Underneath all of this I see my own deep narcissistic hurt. Deep and paralysing fear of "acting for my own needs, facing up, confronting, being assertive, ....." This has been a content of my own therapy over decades, without any real resolution, though I am much more conscious and self-loving.
My own understanding - and having it out with friends and therapists - is that from the deep narcissistic hurt - I am desperate for love, I have huge expectation on myself and others. People come, really get something from my work, but get scared off by the intensity and expectation (and judgement). So here is where I inhibit the energy flow.
I have been opening my process with my friends around, who are mostly both very scared for me and lovingly supportive. I am learning to ask for support and even money ..... new for me. I am getting out everyday to be with someone, or having long calls with my friends. So I am not falling into complete paralysis and managing to stay fairly present and loving to myself..... even in "the great not knowing". But I am deep in my spiritual - existential crisis.
Yesterday I had a wonderful feedback from one friend - That these are not 'MY inner voices' but mostly introjects from parents, schools etc. It is good to hear them and name them, so as to really and finally let them go .... so as to finally hear my own inner voice. A sense of relief re-hearing this known reality - YES.
On chatting just now with another friend, he had the intuition of something that has also been in my own thoughts over this year or so - That I need to take myself out completely for a few months, with no thoughts of being or acting in 'this material world'. Somewhere like a monastery where I could live simply in a cell and be taken care of, in exchange for some simple work in gardens or kitchen or whatever. Without daily calls and emails and 'worldly hopes' - no thoughts of jobs or rent until I complete my inner spiritual process. This is also a bit scary in 'letting go of the few bits of work that I have and that seem to be on their way', but also gives me a warm feeling in my belly.
Now looking for a monastery for January to March ….
I have one inner 'voice' going - "Just get a job like everyone else. To eat and pay the rent everyone has to work. Just swallow your pride for this once and get on with it. I have loads of experience and skills to offer". There are moments I believe this, my energy rises to it and I begin to act on it. Last week I was in a wave of this. The legs and hips were energetic and I even went for a run.
Then (by Friday) my body took over, tiredness, very painful hips and legs, lethargy, unable to focus. I see that over the week I only contacted 2 possibilities, with little enthusiasm. The mind-voice that goes with this is; "I am 55, severely arthritic, never employed, with a strange CV, nobody is going to employ me, and I couldn't do it anyway." I spent Friday and Saturday sobbing, fairly paralysed.
These are accompanied by my sensitive observations (third voice), that we cannot go on in our insensitive blind exploitation of the world and each other;
* global ecological systems are in crisis, water, fish, land, species, climate, ...
* the banks, pension funds, governments are still in super financial crisis
that they are not fully revealing so as not to scare people further
This is all about to break down any minute (2012 or whatever). In this case just getting a job and returning to desensitise myself with the comfort of regular money and consumption will not help me. "My personal crisis is a "City shadow", I have to live it and learn from it, honing my skills and sensitivity, to help others who will face similar crises."
And a fourth voice says OK, all the above have some real and/or neurotic roots but they are also all illusion. Things happen at a wider spiritual, transpersonal dimension. Trust the Gods. Dreams and meditations tell me to trust, pay attention, the 'angels' are taking care of me.
Underneath all of this I see my own deep narcissistic hurt. Deep and paralysing fear of "acting for my own needs, facing up, confronting, being assertive, ....." This has been a content of my own therapy over decades, without any real resolution, though I am much more conscious and self-loving.
My own understanding - and having it out with friends and therapists - is that from the deep narcissistic hurt - I am desperate for love, I have huge expectation on myself and others. People come, really get something from my work, but get scared off by the intensity and expectation (and judgement). So here is where I inhibit the energy flow.
I have been opening my process with my friends around, who are mostly both very scared for me and lovingly supportive. I am learning to ask for support and even money ..... new for me. I am getting out everyday to be with someone, or having long calls with my friends. So I am not falling into complete paralysis and managing to stay fairly present and loving to myself..... even in "the great not knowing". But I am deep in my spiritual - existential crisis.
Yesterday I had a wonderful feedback from one friend - That these are not 'MY inner voices' but mostly introjects from parents, schools etc. It is good to hear them and name them, so as to really and finally let them go .... so as to finally hear my own inner voice. A sense of relief re-hearing this known reality - YES.
On chatting just now with another friend, he had the intuition of something that has also been in my own thoughts over this year or so - That I need to take myself out completely for a few months, with no thoughts of being or acting in 'this material world'. Somewhere like a monastery where I could live simply in a cell and be taken care of, in exchange for some simple work in gardens or kitchen or whatever. Without daily calls and emails and 'worldly hopes' - no thoughts of jobs or rent until I complete my inner spiritual process. This is also a bit scary in 'letting go of the few bits of work that I have and that seem to be on their way', but also gives me a warm feeling in my belly.
Now looking for a monastery for January to March ….
Saturday, 7 November 2009
Death to the victim
I have spent much of the last 8 days with pain in my legs, tired and mourning the lack of people who come to my groups or who use my 'services'. From there I fall once more into feeling the victim with the associated expectations and blame on others. "People don't send me clients, the clients I have don't come back, ...."
I got some loving support to be able to connect with and talk about these feelings before the dance group on Friday morning.... so that when we went into the warm-up phase, I found myself already in an 'altered state' swimming, well writhing, in the mud of my arrogance, expectation, judgement and blame. When we came to the introductory sharing round in the group, I felt the need to do a 'Ho,'oponopono' with those present (as symbolic representatives of many others). I now connect with this and offer these feelings to you the reader, right now:
- I'm sorry for how I expect things from you, judge you and blame you
- Please forgive me. Let there be forgiveness for us all.
- Thank you for being in my life and all I learn from our relationships
- I love you
In the rest of the session I danced out all these feelings, re-connecting with myself in the now, re-finding my power and love.
I'm sorry; please forgive me; thank you; I love you
I got some loving support to be able to connect with and talk about these feelings before the dance group on Friday morning.... so that when we went into the warm-up phase, I found myself already in an 'altered state' swimming, well writhing, in the mud of my arrogance, expectation, judgement and blame. When we came to the introductory sharing round in the group, I felt the need to do a 'Ho,'oponopono' with those present (as symbolic representatives of many others). I now connect with this and offer these feelings to you the reader, right now:
- I'm sorry for how I expect things from you, judge you and blame you
- Please forgive me. Let there be forgiveness for us all.
- Thank you for being in my life and all I learn from our relationships
- I love you
In the rest of the session I danced out all these feelings, re-connecting with myself in the now, re-finding my power and love.
I'm sorry; please forgive me; thank you; I love you
Saturday, 31 October 2009
Value and self-esteem
In sharing this contract with some close friends and helpers over these last weeks, some have become quite serious with me: "You can't do this. You have to value yourself. This means putting, and standing by, a real price on your activities and services."
On one hand I agree completely. Most of my life I have not listened to or properly valued my own needs. I have been working with this for over 20 years. I had this in my meditation on Wednesday morning, and found some insight for myself, which I share with you.
Value
What do we value? By which criteria? Value seems (in our culture) to be equivalent to money. I even hear some 'spiritual paths' and approaches like 'the Secret' saying 'if you don't have money then you do not value yourself.' Hm, interesting.
In our culture then the arms-sellers, pornographers, money-traders, lawyers and politicians etc obviously have more self-worth than I do. And the exploited people, land, cultures, resources, etc only have value for their exploitation.
I passed through a meditative phase of battling against the above values. We should create a system which values the creation and support of life as its base. So things such as mothering, childcare, eldercare, earthcare, etc would be the highest paid activities in this economy. But this becomes complicated, and is complicated in our current economy where the 'so called' creators of work and resources are highly valued whilst they destroy or over exploit other elements of the global economy. There can be no heirarchy of value.
In my meditation I became aware once more of the transpersonal sense of self. My individual self has little meaning when not connected to a universal unity or God-self. In this universal unity then everything has value. I have value in as much as I value all existence (known and unknown, pain and pleasure, ...). As Krishnamurti said "There is pain. There is love." In trying to possess them (or money) I (the individual) contribute to the sense of separateness from the God-self.
Either everything, really everything, has equal love and value or I am placing myself above God in deciding which parts of creation are good and bad. Yes I am born into a body and with choice. I do not eat in MacDonalds or have sex with everyone I might fancy. These are choices within the very limited context of the tiny part of God-self I manage here in this life. These cannot be universal declarations regarding value or love.
On one hand I agree completely. Most of my life I have not listened to or properly valued my own needs. I have been working with this for over 20 years. I had this in my meditation on Wednesday morning, and found some insight for myself, which I share with you.
Value
What do we value? By which criteria? Value seems (in our culture) to be equivalent to money. I even hear some 'spiritual paths' and approaches like 'the Secret' saying 'if you don't have money then you do not value yourself.' Hm, interesting.
In our culture then the arms-sellers, pornographers, money-traders, lawyers and politicians etc obviously have more self-worth than I do. And the exploited people, land, cultures, resources, etc only have value for their exploitation.
I passed through a meditative phase of battling against the above values. We should create a system which values the creation and support of life as its base. So things such as mothering, childcare, eldercare, earthcare, etc would be the highest paid activities in this economy. But this becomes complicated, and is complicated in our current economy where the 'so called' creators of work and resources are highly valued whilst they destroy or over exploit other elements of the global economy. There can be no heirarchy of value.
In my meditation I became aware once more of the transpersonal sense of self. My individual self has little meaning when not connected to a universal unity or God-self. In this universal unity then everything has value. I have value in as much as I value all existence (known and unknown, pain and pleasure, ...). As Krishnamurti said "There is pain. There is love." In trying to possess them (or money) I (the individual) contribute to the sense of separateness from the God-self.
Either everything, really everything, has equal love and value or I am placing myself above God in deciding which parts of creation are good and bad. Yes I am born into a body and with choice. I do not eat in MacDonalds or have sex with everyone I might fancy. These are choices within the very limited context of the tiny part of God-self I manage here in this life. These cannot be universal declarations regarding value or love.
Friday, 30 October 2009
Contract with God 2
Well it has taken me these last 5 weeks of internal and personal work to come up with a new 'contract' that I feel is authentic and clean. This means clean of manipulations, self-pity or expectation on anyone, even God.
Then I struggled with: If this is a contract with God, should I send it to people? ... Well only if I can do it without any manipulation or expectation. So I have been working to clean out these old aspects. I began to send it this morning ... and here it is.
My contract with life is through the divine which connects us all
We live in times of great transformation. It has become clear in my meditations that my 'work' is to live with trust in the Great Spirit and teach compassion. I am now surrendering to this path of giving and receiving with love.
I dedicate my life to supporting and inspiring others on this journey, as well as inviting support for myself.
Over the last few years I find myself working to help people live with consciousness and integrity. Often this means learning to live in this world, with their body, beliefs, emotions and relationships whilst maintaining a deep spiritual connection.
When I have offered this in a commercial exchange it does not work. Spirit tells me to let go and trust. I now offer this work with love, without any fixed charge.
I cannot know which people, resources etc I will need to carry out the above comittment day by day, so I give thanks that the Great Spirit provides whatever is necessary in each moment.
I live very simply and am open to creative and ecological solutions to meeting my needs.
To ask for help or to support me via my web site - Click here
With Love
Norman
Then I struggled with: If this is a contract with God, should I send it to people? ... Well only if I can do it without any manipulation or expectation. So I have been working to clean out these old aspects. I began to send it this morning ... and here it is.
My contract with life is through the divine which connects us all
We live in times of great transformation. It has become clear in my meditations that my 'work' is to live with trust in the Great Spirit and teach compassion. I am now surrendering to this path of giving and receiving with love.
I dedicate my life to supporting and inspiring others on this journey, as well as inviting support for myself.
Over the last few years I find myself working to help people live with consciousness and integrity. Often this means learning to live in this world, with their body, beliefs, emotions and relationships whilst maintaining a deep spiritual connection.
When I have offered this in a commercial exchange it does not work. Spirit tells me to let go and trust. I now offer this work with love, without any fixed charge.
I cannot know which people, resources etc I will need to carry out the above comittment day by day, so I give thanks that the Great Spirit provides whatever is necessary in each moment.
I live very simply and am open to creative and ecological solutions to meeting my needs.
To ask for help or to support me via my web site - Click here
With Love
Norman
Sunday, 25 October 2009
Falling into the game of Mastery
My fears have always limited me:
- Fear that I will become trapped in the role of leader or master and end up abusing others from this role.
- Fear that if I have money and power these will isolate me from living fully in the now, from facing the pains of living as a person in nature, and so inhibit my growth.
On Friday evening with Sofía and Salvador I found myself falling into the role of master. I was blessing Salvador and freeing him from mental struggle of finding a spiritual path. I was giving him a magic experience of feeling loved in the NOW.
But I was doing it from a humble and humorous place. I surprised myself. I had felt this role as serious and a burden, but now suddenly it was something easy, light, a game to be played, a role I could play 100% for a while and then let go of completely, without attachment.
What a liberation! I laughed all the way home, and for the following 24 hours. This now frees me to really shapeshift.... to allow the master in me without fear of entrapment and to relax into abundance without the fear of this isolating me from God.
But I cannot 'plan' these magic moments of mastery or abundance. That would still come out of my fearful attempts to control the future. When I let go into trusting the Great Spitit in the NOW, then I find what I need in each moment.
- Fear that I will become trapped in the role of leader or master and end up abusing others from this role.
- Fear that if I have money and power these will isolate me from living fully in the now, from facing the pains of living as a person in nature, and so inhibit my growth.
On Friday evening with Sofía and Salvador I found myself falling into the role of master. I was blessing Salvador and freeing him from mental struggle of finding a spiritual path. I was giving him a magic experience of feeling loved in the NOW.
But I was doing it from a humble and humorous place. I surprised myself. I had felt this role as serious and a burden, but now suddenly it was something easy, light, a game to be played, a role I could play 100% for a while and then let go of completely, without attachment.
What a liberation! I laughed all the way home, and for the following 24 hours. This now frees me to really shapeshift.... to allow the master in me without fear of entrapment and to relax into abundance without the fear of this isolating me from God.
But I cannot 'plan' these magic moments of mastery or abundance. That would still come out of my fearful attempts to control the future. When I let go into trusting the Great Spitit in the NOW, then I find what I need in each moment.
Friday, 9 October 2009
Facing the void again
Sofía told me a joke today. "A man is hanging over the precipice and calling out 'Help, help, anyone there, please help me'. A choir of angels come around him singing "we are here, let go, we will take care of you." He looks at them saying 'Thank you so much. You are so kind.' Then looks back up the cliff and shouts 'Is there anyone else there, please help me.' "
All these blog words about "Dancing in the now" and "facing the void" are fine 'words', but what is the reality. I have had a little money and the 'void' has been gradually looming ... but over there. Yes there have been lots of small deaths over these months, as preparation.
In my dancing and meditation I am mostly able to be fully in the NOW .... but the rest of the time? Well it is a more patchy story, sometimes yes, sometimes close to it and often lost in the past or future. As the looming void now gets very close, and my struggles come to nothing, this seems to sharpen my attention.
Yesterday a clairvoyant friend gave me a healing treatment. Her message was clear: in trying to control the future I am messing with 'God's business', it is not mine. I have already asked for help, so let it go and get on with living the now. Creating my future from an abundant present. Fine words I thought, maybe I should stop working with her, this is her own stuff telling me this, she is not living what I am.
At night I had a session with my wonderful shaman Pio who has just arrived for the next few weeks. I was asking the Ayahuasca the same question, "what do I have to do to save myself?". So for the first time in over 70 sessions I had no visions, no overwhealming inner dialogues and resolutions, no visits from other beings .... I had nothing. I was well and comfortable in my body, very present, but nothing else. I looked to make some sense of the experience. "Something is wrong. The Ayahuasca is weak. I am escaping looking at my big questions." But no, I was experiencing the void, seeing myself trying to escape from it or fill it with something. Asking Pio he said "Trust, have faith. Read St Francis of Assisi." I began to get the hang of it by the end of the session.
Today in my dancing my proposal was to dance the nothing ... in the void. Difficult, it's one thing in a meditation or doing Ayahuasca with my eyes shut, and quite another dancing around with other people and the eyes open. But I had several moments of it, finishing with a gentle dance right on the edge of the precipice, and then stepping fully over and dancing in the void, feeling the loving energy of 'angels' taking care of me ... trusting.
Another session with Pio tonight
All these blog words about "Dancing in the now" and "facing the void" are fine 'words', but what is the reality. I have had a little money and the 'void' has been gradually looming ... but over there. Yes there have been lots of small deaths over these months, as preparation.
In my dancing and meditation I am mostly able to be fully in the NOW .... but the rest of the time? Well it is a more patchy story, sometimes yes, sometimes close to it and often lost in the past or future. As the looming void now gets very close, and my struggles come to nothing, this seems to sharpen my attention.
Yesterday a clairvoyant friend gave me a healing treatment. Her message was clear: in trying to control the future I am messing with 'God's business', it is not mine. I have already asked for help, so let it go and get on with living the now. Creating my future from an abundant present. Fine words I thought, maybe I should stop working with her, this is her own stuff telling me this, she is not living what I am.
At night I had a session with my wonderful shaman Pio who has just arrived for the next few weeks. I was asking the Ayahuasca the same question, "what do I have to do to save myself?". So for the first time in over 70 sessions I had no visions, no overwhealming inner dialogues and resolutions, no visits from other beings .... I had nothing. I was well and comfortable in my body, very present, but nothing else. I looked to make some sense of the experience. "Something is wrong. The Ayahuasca is weak. I am escaping looking at my big questions." But no, I was experiencing the void, seeing myself trying to escape from it or fill it with something. Asking Pio he said "Trust, have faith. Read St Francis of Assisi." I began to get the hang of it by the end of the session.
Today in my dancing my proposal was to dance the nothing ... in the void. Difficult, it's one thing in a meditation or doing Ayahuasca with my eyes shut, and quite another dancing around with other people and the eyes open. But I had several moments of it, finishing with a gentle dance right on the edge of the precipice, and then stepping fully over and dancing in the void, feeling the loving energy of 'angels' taking care of me ... trusting.
Another session with Pio tonight
Learning to ask
As this gets closer I have some moments of great fear as well as entering into a kind of pre-death peace with myself and the world.
Over the weekend, out of desparation, I was trying to let a room in my flat ..... to delay the moment a bit longer. I set to cleaning and throwing stuff out ... and did my back in so had to spend two days mostly on the sofa, with little movement ... and recurrent fantasies of ending up a cripple, homeless, sleeping under a bridge. My adverts to let the room have come to nothing. But meditating away from my desparate thoughts and connecting with the NOW - "I am well, what do I need now?" ... a massage. My lovely ex came to mind, "but she has a boyfriend and is sure to be busy" .... I trust my inner feeling and ask with an SMS. "I'll be over later", came the rapid reply.
I also asked to win the lottery ... but it didn't happen.
So 1 out of 3 in the asking lesson. What is the difference between them? In the first and last I am asking from desparation and with expectation. In the second (successful) case I ask out of need and with no expectation.
Over the weekend, out of desparation, I was trying to let a room in my flat ..... to delay the moment a bit longer. I set to cleaning and throwing stuff out ... and did my back in so had to spend two days mostly on the sofa, with little movement ... and recurrent fantasies of ending up a cripple, homeless, sleeping under a bridge. My adverts to let the room have come to nothing. But meditating away from my desparate thoughts and connecting with the NOW - "I am well, what do I need now?" ... a massage. My lovely ex came to mind, "but she has a boyfriend and is sure to be busy" .... I trust my inner feeling and ask with an SMS. "I'll be over later", came the rapid reply.
I also asked to win the lottery ... but it didn't happen.
So 1 out of 3 in the asking lesson. What is the difference between them? In the first and last I am asking from desparation and with expectation. In the second (successful) case I ask out of need and with no expectation.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Riding the dragon
Over the last 15 months, since the pegasus image appeared in my dancing, I have had a range of experiences of 'riding the dragon'. In this image my sensitive and spiritual aspects (the wings of pegasus) sit upon and hold the reins of my more animal part (the horse) representng my agression and sex. My lifelong fear was that these powerful animal energies were dangerous, they would hurt me or others. But in repressing them I have not been able to feel my needs, much less express and defend them... as in the post below ... and this is felt in the arthrosis in my hips.
The pegasus was the first time I could sense that these two aspects could live together, that I could permit my animal nature, because I could control it.
Over the last months the experience has been exciting in my dance and life - trusting and permitting this aggression and sexuality. And just a few weeks ago I suddenly had the sense of being fully ONE, there was no controller. I was fully the dragon, connecting to God via my heart. I was trusting that with this compassion and trust in my heart I can let go of control and dance my dance in the world.
But there are other dragons. I realise that my victimism, judgement, arrogance and sense of superiority are clever beasts. Even in these moments of chosen (relative) poverty and humility (I don't know anything) the dragon subtly changes its skin. I have been playing a game of 'showing my poverty and humility', a badge to get noticed and win approval. It is indeed the apparent caring 'Good Boy' with no needs that is the dragon. The animal is just the animal and is probably much closer to God than the manipulating pretty wings. Compassion. Compassion.
The pegasus was the first time I could sense that these two aspects could live together, that I could permit my animal nature, because I could control it.
Over the last months the experience has been exciting in my dance and life - trusting and permitting this aggression and sexuality. And just a few weeks ago I suddenly had the sense of being fully ONE, there was no controller. I was fully the dragon, connecting to God via my heart. I was trusting that with this compassion and trust in my heart I can let go of control and dance my dance in the world.
But there are other dragons. I realise that my victimism, judgement, arrogance and sense of superiority are clever beasts. Even in these moments of chosen (relative) poverty and humility (I don't know anything) the dragon subtly changes its skin. I have been playing a game of 'showing my poverty and humility', a badge to get noticed and win approval. It is indeed the apparent caring 'Good Boy' with no needs that is the dragon. The animal is just the animal and is probably much closer to God than the manipulating pretty wings. Compassion. Compassion.
My contract with God
It has been 5 1/2 months. Months of dreams, meditation, dancing, lots of inner cleansing. My money and flat run out in 6 weeks. It feels like I have been passing through a range of small deaths as I get closer to the big death. I have moments of fearful desparation, get drunk, trying to avoid the inevitable. And then re-find my compassion quite quickly again. I am learning. In the void my victimism, vengance and arrogance become very apparent, though sometimes they are still hidden behind old neurotic paterns.
For example I have played the game of appearing to be the "Good Boy", taking care of others without asking for much in return. Pretending I don't need or want anything. This has covered the other side of desperately wanting love (and sex) and recognition, but feeling 'bad', unworthy and unlovable. Not taking a clear position about what I want, so as not to be punished. An unclear and manipulatory contract with life, which has never been satisfactory.
With help from my friends (thanks) over these last weeks I realised I was playing the same game with God. Cleaning up my life, thoughts and actions, playing the Good Boy and hoping that God would save me. But this is not the contract that God is offering! I am now defining my needs and taking the risk of asking openly, with the people around me and with the Universe. I am learning how to do this. But it is mostly about trusting my body impulses and images in 'the now' .... and expressing them clearly and openly. As I express them there is no expectation that anyone will meet these needs, but I am learning that the needs and their expression is healthy and is cleansing. No thoughts about what if....? or when is the best time ....? I simply feel and express without expectation.
I am trying to transfer this quality onto my website, but of course it requires some thought and a different language - less spontaneous, less of the now. Well my contract is flexible and revisable moment by moment as I learn.
For example I have played the game of appearing to be the "Good Boy", taking care of others without asking for much in return. Pretending I don't need or want anything. This has covered the other side of desperately wanting love (and sex) and recognition, but feeling 'bad', unworthy and unlovable. Not taking a clear position about what I want, so as not to be punished. An unclear and manipulatory contract with life, which has never been satisfactory.
With help from my friends (thanks) over these last weeks I realised I was playing the same game with God. Cleaning up my life, thoughts and actions, playing the Good Boy and hoping that God would save me. But this is not the contract that God is offering! I am now defining my needs and taking the risk of asking openly, with the people around me and with the Universe. I am learning how to do this. But it is mostly about trusting my body impulses and images in 'the now' .... and expressing them clearly and openly. As I express them there is no expectation that anyone will meet these needs, but I am learning that the needs and their expression is healthy and is cleansing. No thoughts about what if....? or when is the best time ....? I simply feel and express without expectation.
I am trying to transfer this quality onto my website, but of course it requires some thought and a different language - less spontaneous, less of the now. Well my contract is flexible and revisable moment by moment as I learn.
Monday, 13 April 2009
From fool to shapeshifter
A couple of weeks ago I mentioned the 'Joker' and this has become clearer these days, more in the form of the Tarot archetype 'The Fool'. A bit of exploration shows that his characteristics are much of what I am living now:
- The end and the beginning - Finally the beginning
- the end of being driven by basic urges and needs which lead to deprevation
- the end of the naivish fantasy that the next project will sort my life
- At the precipice - the void - is this madnes or spiritual development?
- Rebirth, letting go of all previous knowledge - I don't know anything
- Let go of expectations, trust our heart and instincts in the now, follow the pleasure
- Little baggage - clean-up and clean out
- On a journey but no idea where he is going
On Friday night I dreamt I was acting as the 'clown' around Sagrada Familia and Av.Gaudi, listening to my body as I do in dancing, but now finding different roles to act (begger, business man, climber, ...). Xavi or Paco were there as 'protectors' and filming me.
I am reminded of this feeling I have often had that I am a kind of chamelion, and change roles very well. Usually these role changes have been more unconscious neurotic mechanisms in order to adapt myself to situations. But as a conscious tool it is different. Not attached to role or outcome. This will be the hardest part as far as I can see - my habit of looking for approval and adjusting my role accordingly, makes me lose the contact with myself and so I also lose the channel for the wise spirits to guide me. This happens to me sometimes when dancing.
Lets see how we can train 'The shamanic shapeshifter'.
- The end and the beginning - Finally the beginning
- the end of being driven by basic urges and needs which lead to deprevation
- the end of the naivish fantasy that the next project will sort my life
- At the precipice - the void - is this madnes or spiritual development?
- Rebirth, letting go of all previous knowledge - I don't know anything
- Let go of expectations, trust our heart and instincts in the now, follow the pleasure
- Little baggage - clean-up and clean out
- On a journey but no idea where he is going
On Friday night I dreamt I was acting as the 'clown' around Sagrada Familia and Av.Gaudi, listening to my body as I do in dancing, but now finding different roles to act (begger, business man, climber, ...). Xavi or Paco were there as 'protectors' and filming me.
I am reminded of this feeling I have often had that I am a kind of chamelion, and change roles very well. Usually these role changes have been more unconscious neurotic mechanisms in order to adapt myself to situations. But as a conscious tool it is different. Not attached to role or outcome. This will be the hardest part as far as I can see - my habit of looking for approval and adjusting my role accordingly, makes me lose the contact with myself and so I also lose the channel for the wise spirits to guide me. This happens to me sometimes when dancing.
Lets see how we can train 'The shamanic shapeshifter'.
Thursday, 9 April 2009
The wisdom of insecurity
I have been wanting to write here over these last days. Lots happening .... but I really don't know how to explain it: Are these experiences real? Are they projections of my inner wishes? Am I being guided? Am I going mad?
Last Tuesday - wednesday I had an exiting enquiry about my 'men's work', a solution to my problems, a therapeutic community where I could live and develop my work. Very quickly I realised that this was all my projection, the enquiry was a sales pitch to sell me their rooms. I untangle my projection and stay at home instead of going of to visit.
And in staying home I received another (strange) phone call: 'Nico says you have to meet my uncle!', "Who is your uncle?', 'The man that Nico says you should meet' .... right ... mysterious ... well I trust Nico so I agree to meet Jean Françoise on Friday, and then every day til Tuesday. J.F. seems to me, to be a 'master' in training. He has lots of love, vision, insight, wisdom, connection with higher wisdoms, .... but with some hurt which sometimes clouds his vision and actions (very like myself, each in our own ways). These days have been a lesson in being able to trust whilst doubting and taking some care at the same time.
But I have learned:
- to be able to be in the place of doubt, of not knowing, without having to close the relationship one way or the other
- to watch and smile lovingly at my projections
- to hear both brutal truths and elogies without building any closed interpretations upon them
- to trust in my connection with the greater spirits, their messages, my way of working with the images that arise, without building anything 'special' upon these
Meantime I also re-found and have been reading Alan Watts 'The wisdom of insecurity", a magnificent explanation of where I am and what I am exploring.
Last Tuesday - wednesday I had an exiting enquiry about my 'men's work', a solution to my problems, a therapeutic community where I could live and develop my work. Very quickly I realised that this was all my projection, the enquiry was a sales pitch to sell me their rooms. I untangle my projection and stay at home instead of going of to visit.
And in staying home I received another (strange) phone call: 'Nico says you have to meet my uncle!', "Who is your uncle?', 'The man that Nico says you should meet' .... right ... mysterious ... well I trust Nico so I agree to meet Jean Françoise on Friday, and then every day til Tuesday. J.F. seems to me, to be a 'master' in training. He has lots of love, vision, insight, wisdom, connection with higher wisdoms, .... but with some hurt which sometimes clouds his vision and actions (very like myself, each in our own ways). These days have been a lesson in being able to trust whilst doubting and taking some care at the same time.
But I have learned:
- to be able to be in the place of doubt, of not knowing, without having to close the relationship one way or the other
- to watch and smile lovingly at my projections
- to hear both brutal truths and elogies without building any closed interpretations upon them
- to trust in my connection with the greater spirits, their messages, my way of working with the images that arise, without building anything 'special' upon these
Meantime I also re-found and have been reading Alan Watts 'The wisdom of insecurity", a magnificent explanation of where I am and what I am exploring.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
When do I see clearly?
Over this last week, and in many other moments, when I am working to help people, I receive guidance, images, feelings about what to suggest or ask. These feelings are mostly accurate and useful, opening up some healing process for whoever I am working with. More and more I trust this inner vision.
But the moment I have some personal interest in the relationship, affective, work, survival, ... then my desperation for love and approval completely clouds my vision. I don't even listen to what is being said by the other, I invent my own dialogue. I want to 'get into bed with and marry' the other, before even knowing their name. Or I reject them out of hand, without seeing what is really in front of me.
There is a third space of listening. In my dreams, rituals and prayers for guidance for myself I also receive feelings and images: "Dance and clean" for example. Clearly I have a deep personal interest in the process and results emerging from any such visions. But can I trust them, especially when I see that my personal interest clouds my vision? I think yes, when there are these 'mad' kind of visions like 'dance & clean'. This neither builds acceptance or rejection. It is more in the line of "La Locura Lo Cura".
I have to learn to beware of these other voices which find magic solutions or demons in my relationships. These are the real mad voices. This is the moment to find my 'joker'. to giggle at any imagined success or failure for my personal 'skills and resources'.
Maybe my request in my medicine wheel is not helping me here. I have been asking for guidance to best use "MY" skills and resources for peace, love and understanding. It feels now that it might be more humble and more effective to ask to be opened as a clean channel for "God's work to be done" for peace, love and understanding.
But the moment I have some personal interest in the relationship, affective, work, survival, ... then my desperation for love and approval completely clouds my vision. I don't even listen to what is being said by the other, I invent my own dialogue. I want to 'get into bed with and marry' the other, before even knowing their name. Or I reject them out of hand, without seeing what is really in front of me.
There is a third space of listening. In my dreams, rituals and prayers for guidance for myself I also receive feelings and images: "Dance and clean" for example. Clearly I have a deep personal interest in the process and results emerging from any such visions. But can I trust them, especially when I see that my personal interest clouds my vision? I think yes, when there are these 'mad' kind of visions like 'dance & clean'. This neither builds acceptance or rejection. It is more in the line of "La Locura Lo Cura".
I have to learn to beware of these other voices which find magic solutions or demons in my relationships. These are the real mad voices. This is the moment to find my 'joker'. to giggle at any imagined success or failure for my personal 'skills and resources'.
Maybe my request in my medicine wheel is not helping me here. I have been asking for guidance to best use "MY" skills and resources for peace, love and understanding. It feels now that it might be more humble and more effective to ask to be opened as a clean channel for "God's work to be done" for peace, love and understanding.
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Hafiz is my love
Another evening dancing 5 rhythms with Sangeet, facing my envy, longing, vengeance and so on, ... trying to find some compassion for myself. Somewhere in the second part of the evening I remembered Hafiz (c.1320 to 1389) the mystic, Sufi poet from Persia, and found a new vein of love for myself. I share a couple of his poems here .... but please search him out.
The Great Secret
God was full of Wine last night,
So full of wine
That He let a great secret slip.
He said:
There is no man on earth
Who needs a pardon from Me -
For there is really no such thing,
No such thing
As Sin!
That Beloved has gone completely Wild-He has poured Himself into me!
I am Blissful and Drunk and Overflowing.
Dear world,
Draw life from my Sweet Body,
Dear wayfaring souls,
Come drink your fill of liquid rubies,
For God has made my heart
An Eternal Fountain!
Find A Better Job
Now
That
All your worry
Has proved such an
Unlucrative
Business,
Why
Not
Find a better
Job.
I just love the compassion and humour of Hafiz.
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
I'm a whore for love and acceptance
Such is my need for love and acceptance that it seems to contaminate everything, even the simplest actions. Is there any way to escape from this?
OK. first by being aware of and then transparent about my 'whoring for love and acceptance' I begin to catch and deflate the expectations I put on my actions. I open this process with my friends and in this blog. The unconscious impulse to look for love and acceptance from others loses some of its power.
But this very action and this blog are in themselves cries for love and acceptance. "See how open and honest I am." "See how couragous I am." "See what a comitted spiritual path I am on." ..... "and please love and accept me for these!"
The questions now seem to be:
Can I find love for myself as I become aware of how this need from my deep hurt influences and manipulates all my relationships? and
Can my love for myself be unconditional if my love and actions with others have this conditionality underlying them?
I feel like I am working on a koan.
OK. first by being aware of and then transparent about my 'whoring for love and acceptance' I begin to catch and deflate the expectations I put on my actions. I open this process with my friends and in this blog. The unconscious impulse to look for love and acceptance from others loses some of its power.
But this very action and this blog are in themselves cries for love and acceptance. "See how open and honest I am." "See how couragous I am." "See what a comitted spiritual path I am on." ..... "and please love and accept me for these!"
The questions now seem to be:
Can I find love for myself as I become aware of how this need from my deep hurt influences and manipulates all my relationships? and
Can my love for myself be unconditional if my love and actions with others have this conditionality underlying them?
I feel like I am working on a koan.
Sunday, 22 March 2009
Unconditional love
As you can see I am struggling with my deepest emotional hurt which interrupts or 'contaminates' all my relationships, business, work, friends, lovers and family. My feelings of 'badness' and being unloved convert into semi-hidden (but perceivable) demands, mistrust, victimism and vengeful anger. My 'free flow of love' is sometimes far from free, and far from love.
This morning a friend 'let me down' and I went into this destructive place. These weeks (and this morning) I catch myself quite quickly when I go into this state. I try and take back anything I have put onto anyone else. But then what? I see that then I proceed to beat myself up. Then I feel more of a victim and more unloved. Here I enter into a very negative cycle, hating everyone starting with myself. Now, from todays struggles in my hell, my back and legs are in severe pain
This is maybe the hardest bit - to learn to keep loving myself when I am being the demanding, vengeful victim. Thanks to Diego on Saturday and Sofía on Sunday for listening to me, supporting me and helping me with this.
The 'magic ingredient' for the grace of the cosmos to flow seems to be this true unconditionality. This means giving unconditional love to myself first, so that I can give it to others. I have also experienced receiving deep appreciation from some other friends this week, where my giving support and love is really less conditional, where I am not hoping to win anything. Suddenly and surprisingly I got sweet spontaneous messages of love.
I see these two different 'exchanges' with people as lessons and indicators of the way forward.
This morning a friend 'let me down' and I went into this destructive place. These weeks (and this morning) I catch myself quite quickly when I go into this state. I try and take back anything I have put onto anyone else. But then what? I see that then I proceed to beat myself up. Then I feel more of a victim and more unloved. Here I enter into a very negative cycle, hating everyone starting with myself. Now, from todays struggles in my hell, my back and legs are in severe pain
This is maybe the hardest bit - to learn to keep loving myself when I am being the demanding, vengeful victim. Thanks to Diego on Saturday and Sofía on Sunday for listening to me, supporting me and helping me with this.
The 'magic ingredient' for the grace of the cosmos to flow seems to be this true unconditionality. This means giving unconditional love to myself first, so that I can give it to others. I have also experienced receiving deep appreciation from some other friends this week, where my giving support and love is really less conditional, where I am not hoping to win anything. Suddenly and surprisingly I got sweet spontaneous messages of love.
I see these two different 'exchanges' with people as lessons and indicators of the way forward.
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
In the market
It is one thing to trust the great spirits to take care of me, but I suppose I do have do something more than just dance and clean.
I can be sat here for days in the void, no calls, no clients, nothing .... In these times I have a whole range of impulses - to improve my website, write some new publicity, organise a new course or project, .... But when I try to focus on these activities very little happens other that feeling an extreme tiredness. These are times when I could get swallowed by victimism and sadness. Part of my work at this time is to keep positive and remind myself of all the support I have. I do a medicine wheel, pray and ask for help, then I sleep a bit and do some cleaning or dancing and my energy returns. Today I did my accounts for 2008, several months early when I usually leave them for the last minute!
But still I feel that there is something more I can do. The only idea that keeps arising is "Be in the market place!" Written publicity or webs are about being in the market, but these are not for me at this moment. For me, right now, being in the market place means being out and speaking to people, at meetings, other peoples activities, dancing, ...
This has been difficult in the past because I have set myself up as a kind of Ecological Therapist and 'know all', to try and win approval. What happens in this case is that I place far too many expectations on myself (to save the world in every moment) and on others to recognise me in this role and to collabrate in my neurotic plan. If I go out to speak from this place then I generate more of the same. This is also why I get stuck with writing publicity.
When I can stay in a place of just sharing what is happening to me, right now, without knowing anything or having the solution to anything, (more like here in this blog) .... then I meet people in a different way and a more authentic kind of connection grows. The blog is demanding this of me but it is also being a supportive 'confessor'.
I can be sat here for days in the void, no calls, no clients, nothing .... In these times I have a whole range of impulses - to improve my website, write some new publicity, organise a new course or project, .... But when I try to focus on these activities very little happens other that feeling an extreme tiredness. These are times when I could get swallowed by victimism and sadness. Part of my work at this time is to keep positive and remind myself of all the support I have. I do a medicine wheel, pray and ask for help, then I sleep a bit and do some cleaning or dancing and my energy returns. Today I did my accounts for 2008, several months early when I usually leave them for the last minute!
But still I feel that there is something more I can do. The only idea that keeps arising is "Be in the market place!" Written publicity or webs are about being in the market, but these are not for me at this moment. For me, right now, being in the market place means being out and speaking to people, at meetings, other peoples activities, dancing, ...
This has been difficult in the past because I have set myself up as a kind of Ecological Therapist and 'know all', to try and win approval. What happens in this case is that I place far too many expectations on myself (to save the world in every moment) and on others to recognise me in this role and to collabrate in my neurotic plan. If I go out to speak from this place then I generate more of the same. This is also why I get stuck with writing publicity.
When I can stay in a place of just sharing what is happening to me, right now, without knowing anything or having the solution to anything, (more like here in this blog) .... then I meet people in a different way and a more authentic kind of connection grows. The blog is demanding this of me but it is also being a supportive 'confessor'.
Sunday, 15 March 2009
The natural elements support me
I have spent the day (Sunday) walking in Montseny National Park with Sangeet. My legs are getting stronger and less painful. Better contact with the Earth. I had a clear feeling of being accompanied and supported by the elemental energies through the day.
I know we can all say something similar when we have had a nice day in nature. Well of course, if we spend the day in nature, some parts of us open more, we relax, we are nourished by the greenery, by the clean air, by the silence, by the negative ions, and so on. But over my 54 3/4 years I have had lots of days in nature and this was something different.
Early this morning in my dream state I was seeing how each 'element' only exists healthily because of the other elements. I was in water. Water stagnates without air, and the wind is essential to the water cycle. Water needs the earth to hold, filter impurities, nourish with minerals and finally channel it to where it is needed. The fire of the sun gives mobility, it drives evaporation and precipitation, distilling water in this process and mobilising the water cycle.
During the walk today I found this in the trees, the rocks, the air, the suns rays, ... and in my own connection with all of this flowing existence. I was seeing and feeling it in many moments. But I was also feeling the support, specifically of the earth, seeing the edible wild plants offered along the way (rosemary, oregano, thyme, horseradish, dandelion, mustard, ...), but also drinking at the spring and feeling warmed by the sun, ... I kept feeling an inner voice saying "We are here. We are taking care of you." I can't live off rosemary and horseradish, well not yet, but this was, for me, more of a sign about trusting these elements as I fall gently into the void.
I know we can all say something similar when we have had a nice day in nature. Well of course, if we spend the day in nature, some parts of us open more, we relax, we are nourished by the greenery, by the clean air, by the silence, by the negative ions, and so on. But over my 54 3/4 years I have had lots of days in nature and this was something different.
Early this morning in my dream state I was seeing how each 'element' only exists healthily because of the other elements. I was in water. Water stagnates without air, and the wind is essential to the water cycle. Water needs the earth to hold, filter impurities, nourish with minerals and finally channel it to where it is needed. The fire of the sun gives mobility, it drives evaporation and precipitation, distilling water in this process and mobilising the water cycle.
During the walk today I found this in the trees, the rocks, the air, the suns rays, ... and in my own connection with all of this flowing existence. I was seeing and feeling it in many moments. But I was also feeling the support, specifically of the earth, seeing the edible wild plants offered along the way (rosemary, oregano, thyme, horseradish, dandelion, mustard, ...), but also drinking at the spring and feeling warmed by the sun, ... I kept feeling an inner voice saying "We are here. We are taking care of you." I can't live off rosemary and horseradish, well not yet, but this was, for me, more of a sign about trusting these elements as I fall gently into the void.
Saturday, 14 March 2009
The first hurt is the deepest
Yes, well, .. the 'Free flow of love' sounds nice but this is touching on the deepest hurt we all have. The deepest hurt I have is about not feeling loved or lovable. I look for acceptance and approval in others. Many of my apparently loving gestures to others are in fact actions to win approval from those people or from the gods.
So how 'free' is my flow of love if I am hoping to win approval and support from the guiding spirits? Can I disengage myself from this?
This is being part of my 'cleaning' over these months. I now become aware very quickly when I am trying to win love or acceptance from others through my actions. I call them or meet up to apologise and remove any expectations I might have placed upon them to return any favours.
It is becoming manageable with physical people, but with the great spirits what do I do? I actually do want to feel their support and love. I am assured by my shamanic friends that these spirits are there supporting and loving me anyway, whether I am aware of it or not. In my meditations, dreams and rituals I invoke their loving presence and help.
There seems to be a subtle but important difference between 'trusting that the great spirits are with me' and 'trying to win their accompaniment through certain actions',
My meditations for these next days will include the question, which of my actions are 'only' to win approval of the gods? I will ask their guidance.
So how 'free' is my flow of love if I am hoping to win approval and support from the guiding spirits? Can I disengage myself from this?
This is being part of my 'cleaning' over these months. I now become aware very quickly when I am trying to win love or acceptance from others through my actions. I call them or meet up to apologise and remove any expectations I might have placed upon them to return any favours.
It is becoming manageable with physical people, but with the great spirits what do I do? I actually do want to feel their support and love. I am assured by my shamanic friends that these spirits are there supporting and loving me anyway, whether I am aware of it or not. In my meditations, dreams and rituals I invoke their loving presence and help.
There seems to be a subtle but important difference between 'trusting that the great spirits are with me' and 'trying to win their accompaniment through certain actions',
My meditations for these next days will include the question, which of my actions are 'only' to win approval of the gods? I will ask their guidance.
Friday, 13 March 2009
Free flow of love
In my ritual medicine wheel this morning I asked, as usual, for guidance about how best to use my skills and resources to help peace, love and understanding in the world. The spirits smiled lovingly and began to speak.
The sun rises every morning, freely giving its energy and warmth to support all life on earth, asking for nothing in return. The earth gives of itself, freely, season after season, even though we pillage, poison and give her nothing in return. The water and air similarly give freely, dancing with the other elements to maintain our life, even though we again poison, abuse and give nothing in return.
We humans have tried to posses, control, sell and manipulate these free gifts. This has led to our current (and coming) crisis.
Now I understand the message of the spirits. I now decide to give my services, skills, love and compassion for free.
I have no income or stash in the bank, so with this decision I now put myself in the hands of the guiding spirits to help me find the resources to be able to simply eat and live, so as to be able to best give of myself to help peace, love and understanding in the world.
The sun rises every morning, freely giving its energy and warmth to support all life on earth, asking for nothing in return. The earth gives of itself, freely, season after season, even though we pillage, poison and give her nothing in return. The water and air similarly give freely, dancing with the other elements to maintain our life, even though we again poison, abuse and give nothing in return.
We humans have tried to posses, control, sell and manipulate these free gifts. This has led to our current (and coming) crisis.
Now I understand the message of the spirits. I now decide to give my services, skills, love and compassion for free.
I have no income or stash in the bank, so with this decision I now put myself in the hands of the guiding spirits to help me find the resources to be able to simply eat and live, so as to be able to best give of myself to help peace, love and understanding in the world.
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Stepping into the void
I have felt on the edge of the precipice for some time. All my previous projects finished. All my newly proposed projects were rejected by funders. My individual therapy clients have disappeared. Only a few people book on my current Shamanic Dance workshops. So what is happening. Nothingness. The void.
In my dreams and meditations, when I ask the wise spirits what I have to do and how am I supposed to earn and pay my way? The answer I keep getting is "Dance and Clean-up". I have struggled with this. How on earth is dancing and cleaning supposed to pay my rent? But over the last 9 months I have incorporated dancing and cleaning into my daily practice. I can give thanks to the great spirits that I'm not working! This gives me time to Dance and clean.
I am now dancing 5Rhythms with Sangeet, and on my own, some 10 or more hours per week. This has helped my connection with my body and with the earth. The workshops with Sangeet have helped me find trust in my own power, learning to love some old rejected parts of myself.
The cleaning has been more complicated! I have had to face and deal with my attachments to shirts, old projects, my attempts at writing articles and various versions of 'my book', items stored for 'recycling', my beliefs, my emotions, .... Much more cleaning still to do.
My 'last post', the 'first post', was titled 'Finally the beginning', and this phrase has been very present for me over these weeks. Standing at the precipice and stepping into the void are fine concepts, but what do they really mean? How can I know that I am not inventing an interesting fantasy? How do I know I am really there and really ready? Which precipice? What help do I need to trust and step into the void?
Small miracles. Connections with new people through my dancing and support from my dear shamanic friends (Sofía, Stella, Nico and Pio) over these months have helped me discern which voices to listen to and how to trust my steps forward into this void. I thought I had to 'do something' - to 'jump'. In my ignorance, and from my painful experiences, I was expecting some great trauma. But no. I am already well into the void and the Great Spirits are taking care. Suffering is past. Finally the beginning.
There is only love.
In my dreams and meditations, when I ask the wise spirits what I have to do and how am I supposed to earn and pay my way? The answer I keep getting is "Dance and Clean-up". I have struggled with this. How on earth is dancing and cleaning supposed to pay my rent? But over the last 9 months I have incorporated dancing and cleaning into my daily practice. I can give thanks to the great spirits that I'm not working! This gives me time to Dance and clean.
I am now dancing 5Rhythms with Sangeet, and on my own, some 10 or more hours per week. This has helped my connection with my body and with the earth. The workshops with Sangeet have helped me find trust in my own power, learning to love some old rejected parts of myself.
The cleaning has been more complicated! I have had to face and deal with my attachments to shirts, old projects, my attempts at writing articles and various versions of 'my book', items stored for 'recycling', my beliefs, my emotions, .... Much more cleaning still to do.
My 'last post', the 'first post', was titled 'Finally the beginning', and this phrase has been very present for me over these weeks. Standing at the precipice and stepping into the void are fine concepts, but what do they really mean? How can I know that I am not inventing an interesting fantasy? How do I know I am really there and really ready? Which precipice? What help do I need to trust and step into the void?
Small miracles. Connections with new people through my dancing and support from my dear shamanic friends (Sofía, Stella, Nico and Pio) over these months have helped me discern which voices to listen to and how to trust my steps forward into this void. I thought I had to 'do something' - to 'jump'. In my ignorance, and from my painful experiences, I was expecting some great trauma. But no. I am already well into the void and the Great Spirits are taking care. Suffering is past. Finally the beginning.
There is only love.
Saturday, 28 February 2009
Finally the beginning
I set up this blog several months ago, as a link from my main website.
Over these months I have struggled with writing a variety of "first posts" which would claim attention and somehow change the world. Non of these have been published. I am embarrassed at my own arrogance, especially as "being in the now" is a key theme of this blog. But it couldn't have been any other way. I set up this blog as much to "catch myself" as to effect any changes in you who might read this.
Working over these last weeks with my Shaman teacher (Dr Pio Vucetich) and dancing the 5 Rhythms, once again, I became aware of my own arrogance. I suppose that initiating any blog, the blogger must have a certain degree of arrogance: "someone will want to read and comment upon my thoughts and feelings".
So after many long edited drafts of a series of first posts ..... I launch this blog writing freely as I am NOW at this moment.
Over these months I have struggled with writing a variety of "first posts" which would claim attention and somehow change the world. Non of these have been published. I am embarrassed at my own arrogance, especially as "being in the now" is a key theme of this blog. But it couldn't have been any other way. I set up this blog as much to "catch myself" as to effect any changes in you who might read this.
Working over these last weeks with my Shaman teacher (Dr Pio Vucetich) and dancing the 5 Rhythms, once again, I became aware of my own arrogance. I suppose that initiating any blog, the blogger must have a certain degree of arrogance: "someone will want to read and comment upon my thoughts and feelings".
So after many long edited drafts of a series of first posts ..... I launch this blog writing freely as I am NOW at this moment.
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