I'm killing myself

There can be no doubt about it now.
A slow suicide. Murderer - victim - witness - anaesthetist,
side by side. The hate and love are one.
I love myself and so want to relieve myself of the pain
of hating myself, so I kill myself.

I have had this song by Concha Buika in my head over
the last months, day and night, and only suddenly
realised last night that I am singing it to myself.

No habra nadie en el mundo
que cure la herida que dejo tu orgullo.
Yo no comprendo que tu me lastimes
con todo todo el amor que tu me diste.
(There is no one in the world
who can cure the wound left by your pride.
I don't understand how you can hurt me
after having loved me so much.)

So how is the end to be? And how long does it take?
Do I suddenly find the will and fight for my life,
this will that I have not found in normal life?
Do I just slip deeper into an anaethetised state,
as seems to be happening in parts of my life?
Do I writhe about in pain as I fall apart in the gutter,
as seems also to be happening at the same time?

Alcoholism is a comforting weapon.
It attacks the cells, liver, heart, muscles, ....
leading to lethargy, tiredness, and only a little pain.
It attacks the spirit, more lethargy and tiredness ....
The Spiritual pain is eased by the general numbness.
One might hardly notice that anything is happening
until there is a major collapse.

And the hand that reaches for the weapon, what of it?
"Just this one. It won't do any harm"
The mouth that swallows the poison, what say you?
"It is a long time since there was any joy in the taste of wine."
And the silent witness to the crime?
"He can control it or say stop at any time?"
The murderer, "There must be a death, for there to be a rebirth".

And the victim repeats the mantra tought by the elders,
"I am bad. I deserve to be punished.
I have done bad things, even if I don't know what they are."

But somewhere there is a feint cry for help
even if it can hardly be heard.
Who is that calling, "Please help me."
And somewhere too, there is always an angel listening.

Losing my mind

Oh, wow!

I think I've lost my mind.

Now where could it be?

If you see it around please let me know,
so that I can keep an eye on it,
and ensure that it keeps its distance.

Waves of Crisis

Well it has been a bit of a roller-coaster these last few weeks. On Monday night my men's group helped me to identify some inner conflicting voices, we did a bit of psychodrama of this. I write it down and speak about it with different friends to get it out of my head and try and work with it. So here is an evolving draft.

I have one inner 'voice' going - "Just get a job like everyone else. To eat and pay the rent everyone has to work. Just swallow your pride for this once and get on with it. I have loads of experience and skills to offer". There are moments I believe this, my energy rises to it and I begin to act on it. Last week I was in a wave of this. The legs and hips were energetic and I even went for a run.

Then (by Friday) my body took over, tiredness, very painful hips and legs, lethargy, unable to focus. I see that over the week I only contacted 2 possibilities, with little enthusiasm. The mind-voice that goes with this is; "I am 55, severely arthritic, never employed, with a strange CV, nobody is going to employ me, and I couldn't do it anyway." I spent Friday and Saturday sobbing, fairly paralysed.

These are accompanied by my sensitive observations (third voice), that we cannot go on in our insensitive blind exploitation of the world and each other;
* global ecological systems are in crisis, water, fish, land, species, climate, ...
* the banks, pension funds, governments are still in super financial crisis
that they are not fully revealing so as not to scare people further
This is all about to break down any minute (2012 or whatever). In this case just getting a job and returning to desensitise myself with the comfort of regular money and consumption will not help me. "My personal crisis is a "City shadow", I have to live it and learn from it, honing my skills and sensitivity, to help others who will face similar crises."

And a fourth voice says OK, all the above have some real and/or neurotic roots but they are also all illusion. Things happen at a wider spiritual, transpersonal dimension. Trust the Gods. Dreams and meditations tell me to trust, pay attention, the 'angels' are taking care of me.

Underneath all of this I see my own deep narcissistic hurt. Deep and paralysing fear of "acting for my own needs, facing up, confronting, being assertive, ....." This has been a content of my own therapy over decades, without any real resolution, though I am much more conscious and self-loving.

My own understanding - and having it out with friends and therapists - is that from the deep narcissistic hurt - I am desperate for love, I have huge expectation on myself and others. People come, really get something from my work, but get scared off by the intensity and expectation (and judgement). So here is where I inhibit the energy flow.

I have been opening my process with my friends around, who are mostly both very scared for me and lovingly supportive. I am learning to ask for support and even money ..... new for me. I am getting out everyday to be with someone, or having long calls with my friends. So I am not falling into complete paralysis and managing to stay fairly present and loving to myself..... even in "the great not knowing". But I am deep in my spiritual - existential crisis.

Yesterday I had a wonderful feedback from one friend - That these are not 'MY inner voices' but mostly introjects from parents, schools etc. It is good to hear them and name them, so as to really and finally let them go .... so as to finally hear my own inner voice. A sense of relief re-hearing this known reality - YES.

On chatting just now with another friend, he had the intuition of something that has also been in my own thoughts over this year or so - That I need to take myself out completely for a few months, with no thoughts of being or acting in 'this material world'. Somewhere like a monastery where I could live simply in a cell and be taken care of, in exchange for some simple work in gardens or kitchen or whatever. Without daily calls and emails and 'worldly hopes' - no thoughts of jobs or rent until I complete my inner spiritual process. This is also a bit scary in 'letting go of the few bits of work that I have and that seem to be on their way', but also gives me a warm feeling in my belly.

Now looking for a monastery for January to March ….