From fool to shapeshifter

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned the 'Joker' and this has become clearer these days, more in the form of the Tarot archetype 'The Fool'. A bit of exploration shows that his characteristics are much of what I am living now:
- The end and the beginning - Finally the beginning
- the end of being driven by basic urges and needs which lead to deprevation
- the end of the naivish fantasy that the next project will sort my life
- At the precipice - the void - is this madnes or spiritual development?
- Rebirth, letting go of all previous knowledge - I don't know anything
- Let go of expectations, trust our heart and instincts in the now, follow the pleasure
- Little baggage - clean-up and clean out
- On a journey but no idea where he is going

On Friday night I dreamt I was acting as the 'clown' around Sagrada Familia and Av.Gaudi, listening to my body as I do in dancing, but now finding different roles to act (begger, business man, climber, ...). Xavi or Paco were there as 'protectors' and filming me.

I am reminded of this feeling I have often had that I am a kind of chamelion, and change roles very well. Usually these role changes have been more unconscious neurotic mechanisms in order to adapt myself to situations. But as a conscious tool it is different. Not attached to role or outcome. This will be the hardest part as far as I can see - my habit of looking for approval and adjusting my role accordingly, makes me lose the contact with myself and so I also lose the channel for the wise spirits to guide me. This happens to me sometimes when dancing.

Lets see how we can train 'The shamanic shapeshifter'.

The wisdom of insecurity

I have been wanting to write here over these last days. Lots happening .... but I really don't know how to explain it: Are these experiences real? Are they projections of my inner wishes? Am I being guided? Am I going mad?

Last Tuesday - wednesday I had an exiting enquiry about my 'men's work', a solution to my problems, a therapeutic community where I could live and develop my work. Very quickly I realised that this was all my projection, the enquiry was a sales pitch to sell me their rooms. I untangle my projection and stay at home instead of going of to visit.

And in staying home I received another (strange) phone call: 'Nico says you have to meet my uncle!', "Who is your uncle?', 'The man that Nico says you should meet' .... right ... mysterious ... well I trust Nico so I agree to meet Jean Françoise on Friday, and then every day til Tuesday. J.F. seems to me, to be a 'master' in training. He has lots of love, vision, insight, wisdom, connection with higher wisdoms, .... but with some hurt which sometimes clouds his vision and actions (very like myself, each in our own ways). These days have been a lesson in being able to trust whilst doubting and taking some care at the same time.
But I have learned:
- to be able to be in the place of doubt, of not knowing, without having to close the relationship one way or the other
- to watch and smile lovingly at my projections
- to hear both brutal truths and elogies without building any closed interpretations upon them
- to trust in my connection with the greater spirits, their messages, my way of working with the images that arise, without building anything 'special' upon these

Meantime I also re-found and have been reading Alan Watts 'The wisdom of insecurity", a magnificent explanation of where I am and what I am exploring.

When do I see clearly?

Over this last week, and in many other moments, when I am working to help people, I receive guidance, images, feelings about what to suggest or ask. These feelings are mostly accurate and useful, opening up some healing process for whoever I am working with. More and more I trust this inner vision.

But the moment I have some personal interest in the relationship, affective, work, survival, ... then my desperation for love and approval completely clouds my vision. I don't even listen to what is being said by the other, I invent my own dialogue. I want to 'get into bed with and marry' the other, before even knowing their name. Or I reject them out of hand, without seeing what is really in front of me.

There is a third space of listening. In my dreams, rituals and prayers for guidance for myself I also receive feelings and images: "Dance and clean" for example. Clearly I have a deep personal interest in the process and results emerging from any such visions. But can I trust them, especially when I see that my personal interest clouds my vision? I think yes, when there are these 'mad' kind of visions like 'dance & clean'. This neither builds acceptance or rejection. It is more in the line of "La Locura Lo Cura".

I have to learn to beware of these other voices which find magic solutions or demons in my relationships. These are the real mad voices. This is the moment to find my 'joker'. to giggle at any imagined success or failure for my personal 'skills and resources'.

Maybe my request in my medicine wheel is not helping me here. I have been asking for guidance to best use "MY" skills and resources for peace, love and understanding. It feels now that it might be more humble and more effective to ask to be opened as a clean channel for "God's work to be done" for peace, love and understanding.