Riding the dragon

Over the last 15 months, since the pegasus image appeared in my dancing, I have had a range of experiences of 'riding the dragon'. In this image my sensitive and spiritual aspects (the wings of pegasus) sit upon and hold the reins of my more animal part (the horse) representng my agression and sex. My lifelong fear was that these powerful animal energies were dangerous, they would hurt me or others. But in repressing them I have not been able to feel my needs, much less express and defend them... as in the post below ... and this is felt in the arthrosis in my hips.

The pegasus was the first time I could sense that these two aspects could live together, that I could permit my animal nature, because I could control it.
Over the last months the experience has been exciting in my dance and life - trusting and permitting this aggression and sexuality. And just a few weeks ago I suddenly had the sense of being fully ONE, there was no controller. I was fully the dragon, connecting to God via my heart. I was trusting that with this compassion and trust in my heart I can let go of control and dance my dance in the world.

But there are other dragons. I realise that my victimism, judgement, arrogance and sense of superiority are clever beasts. Even in these moments of chosen (relative) poverty and humility (I don't know anything) the dragon subtly changes its skin. I have been playing a game of 'showing my poverty and humility', a badge to get noticed and win approval. It is indeed the apparent caring 'Good Boy' with no needs that is the dragon. The animal is just the animal and is probably much closer to God than the manipulating pretty wings. Compassion. Compassion.

My contract with God

It has been 5 1/2 months. Months of dreams, meditation, dancing, lots of inner cleansing. My money and flat run out in 6 weeks. It feels like I have been passing through a range of small deaths as I get closer to the big death. I have moments of fearful desparation, get drunk, trying to avoid the inevitable. And then re-find my compassion quite quickly again. I am learning. In the void my victimism, vengance and arrogance become very apparent, though sometimes they are still hidden behind old neurotic paterns.
For example I have played the game of appearing to be the "Good Boy", taking care of others without asking for much in return. Pretending I don't need or want anything. This has covered the other side of desperately wanting love (and sex) and recognition, but feeling 'bad', unworthy and unlovable. Not taking a clear position about what I want, so as not to be punished. An unclear and manipulatory contract with life, which has never been satisfactory.
With help from my friends (thanks) over these last weeks I realised I was playing the same game with God. Cleaning up my life, thoughts and actions, playing the Good Boy and hoping that God would save me. But this is not the contract that God is offering! I am now defining my needs and taking the risk of asking openly, with the people around me and with the Universe. I am learning how to do this. But it is mostly about trusting my body impulses and images in 'the now' .... and expressing them clearly and openly. As I express them there is no expectation that anyone will meet these needs, but I am learning that the needs and their expression is healthy and is cleansing. No thoughts about what if....? or when is the best time ....? I simply feel and express without expectation.
I am trying to transfer this quality onto my website, but of course it requires some thought and a different language - less spontaneous, less of the now. Well my contract is flexible and revisable moment by moment as I learn.