Hafiz is my love

Another evening dancing 5 rhythms with Sangeet, facing my envy, longing, vengeance and so on, ... trying to find some compassion for myself. Somewhere in the second part of the evening I remembered Hafiz (c.1320 to 1389) the mystic, Sufi poet from Persia, and found a new vein of love for myself. I share a couple of his poems here .... but please search him out.

The Great Secret

God was full of Wine last night,
So full of wine

That He let a great secret slip.
He said:

There is no man on earth
Who needs a pardon from Me -

For there is really no such thing,
No such thing
As Sin!

That Beloved has gone completely Wild-He has poured Himself into me!

I am Blissful and Drunk and Overflowing.

Dear world,
Draw life from my Sweet Body,

Dear wayfaring souls,
Come drink your fill of liquid rubies,
For God has made my heart
An Eternal Fountain!

Find A Better Job

Now
That
All your worry
Has proved such an
Unlucrative
Business,
Why
Not
Find a better
Job.

I just love the compassion and humour of Hafiz.

I'm a whore for love and acceptance

Such is my need for love and acceptance that it seems to contaminate everything, even the simplest actions. Is there any way to escape from this?

OK. first by being aware of and then transparent about my 'whoring for love and acceptance' I begin to catch and deflate the expectations I put on my actions. I open this process with my friends and in this blog. The unconscious impulse to look for love and acceptance from others loses some of its power.

But this very action and this blog are in themselves cries for love and acceptance. "See how open and honest I am." "See how couragous I am." "See what a comitted spiritual path I am on." ..... "and please love and accept me for these!"

The questions now seem to be:
Can I find love for myself as I become aware of how this need from my deep hurt influences and manipulates all my relationships? and
Can my love for myself be unconditional if my love and actions with others have this conditionality underlying them?

I feel like I am working on a koan.

Unconditional love

As you can see I am struggling with my deepest emotional hurt which interrupts or 'contaminates' all my relationships, business, work, friends, lovers and family. My feelings of 'badness' and being unloved convert into semi-hidden (but perceivable) demands, mistrust, victimism and vengeful anger. My 'free flow of love' is sometimes far from free, and far from love.

This morning a friend 'let me down' and I went into this destructive place. These weeks (and this morning) I catch myself quite quickly when I go into this state. I try and take back anything I have put onto anyone else. But then what? I see that then I proceed to beat myself up. Then I feel more of a victim and more unloved. Here I enter into a very negative cycle, hating everyone starting with myself. Now, from todays struggles in my hell, my back and legs are in severe pain

This is maybe the hardest bit - to learn to keep loving myself when I am being the demanding, vengeful victim. Thanks to Diego on Saturday and Sofía on Sunday for listening to me, supporting me and helping me with this.

The 'magic ingredient' for the grace of the cosmos to flow seems to be this true unconditionality. This means giving unconditional love to myself first, so that I can give it to others. I have also experienced receiving deep appreciation from some other friends this week, where my giving support and love is really less conditional, where I am not hoping to win anything. Suddenly and surprisingly I got sweet spontaneous messages of love.

I see these two different 'exchanges' with people as lessons and indicators of the way forward.

In the market

It is one thing to trust the great spirits to take care of me, but I suppose I do have do something more than just dance and clean.

I can be sat here for days in the void, no calls, no clients, nothing .... In these times I have a whole range of impulses - to improve my website, write some new publicity, organise a new course or project, .... But when I try to focus on these activities very little happens other that feeling an extreme tiredness. These are times when I could get swallowed by victimism and sadness. Part of my work at this time is to keep positive and remind myself of all the support I have. I do a medicine wheel, pray and ask for help, then I sleep a bit and do some cleaning or dancing and my energy returns. Today I did my accounts for 2008, several months early when I usually leave them for the last minute!

But still I feel that there is something more I can do. The only idea that keeps arising is "Be in the market place!" Written publicity or webs are about being in the market, but these are not for me at this moment. For me, right now, being in the market place means being out and speaking to people, at meetings, other peoples activities, dancing, ...

This has been difficult in the past because I have set myself up as a kind of Ecological Therapist and 'know all', to try and win approval. What happens in this case is that I place far too many expectations on myself (to save the world in every moment) and on others to recognise me in this role and to collabrate in my neurotic plan. If I go out to speak from this place then I generate more of the same. This is also why I get stuck with writing publicity.

When I can stay in a place of just sharing what is happening to me, right now, without knowing anything or having the solution to anything, (more like here in this blog) .... then I meet people in a different way and a more authentic kind of connection grows. The blog is demanding this of me but it is also being a supportive 'confessor'.

The natural elements support me

I have spent the day (Sunday) walking in Montseny National Park with Sangeet. My legs are getting stronger and less painful. Better contact with the Earth. I had a clear feeling of being accompanied and supported by the elemental energies through the day.

I know we can all say something similar when we have had a nice day in nature. Well of course, if we spend the day in nature, some parts of us open more, we relax, we are nourished by the greenery, by the clean air, by the silence, by the negative ions, and so on. But over my 54 3/4 years I have had lots of days in nature and this was something different.

Early this morning in my dream state I was seeing how each 'element' only exists healthily because of the other elements. I was in water. Water stagnates without air, and the wind is essential to the water cycle. Water needs the earth to hold, filter impurities, nourish with minerals and finally channel it to where it is needed. The fire of the sun gives mobility, it drives evaporation and precipitation, distilling water in this process and mobilising the water cycle.

During the walk today I found this in the trees, the rocks, the air, the suns rays, ... and in my own connection with all of this flowing existence. I was seeing and feeling it in many moments. But I was also feeling the support, specifically of the earth, seeing the edible wild plants offered along the way (rosemary, oregano, thyme, horseradish, dandelion, mustard, ...), but also drinking at the spring and feeling warmed by the sun, ... I kept feeling an inner voice saying "We are here. We are taking care of you." I can't live off rosemary and horseradish, well not yet, but this was, for me, more of a sign about trusting these elements as I fall gently into the void.

The first hurt is the deepest

Yes, well, .. the 'Free flow of love' sounds nice but this is touching on the deepest hurt we all have. The deepest hurt I have is about not feeling loved or lovable. I look for acceptance and approval in others. Many of my apparently loving gestures to others are in fact actions to win approval from those people or from the gods.
So how 'free' is my flow of love if I am hoping to win approval and support from the guiding spirits? Can I disengage myself from this?

This is being part of my 'cleaning' over these months. I now become aware very quickly when I am trying to win love or acceptance from others through my actions. I call them or meet up to apologise and remove any expectations I might have placed upon them to return any favours.

It is becoming manageable with physical people, but with the great spirits what do I do? I actually do want to feel their support and love. I am assured by my shamanic friends that these spirits are there supporting and loving me anyway, whether I am aware of it or not. In my meditations, dreams and rituals I invoke their loving presence and help.

There seems to be a subtle but important difference between 'trusting that the great spirits are with me' and 'trying to win their accompaniment through certain actions',

My meditations for these next days will include the question, which of my actions are 'only' to win approval of the gods? I will ask their guidance.

Free flow of love

In my ritual medicine wheel this morning I asked, as usual, for guidance about how best to use my skills and resources to help peace, love and understanding in the world. The spirits smiled lovingly and began to speak.

The sun rises every morning, freely giving its energy and warmth to support all life on earth, asking for nothing in return. The earth gives of itself, freely, season after season, even though we pillage, poison and give her nothing in return. The water and air similarly give freely, dancing with the other elements to maintain our life, even though we again poison, abuse and give nothing in return.

We humans have tried to posses, control, sell and manipulate these free gifts. This has led to our current (and coming) crisis.

Now I understand the message of the spirits. I now decide to give my services, skills, love and compassion for free.

I have no income or stash in the bank, so with this decision I now put myself in the hands of the guiding spirits to help me find the resources to be able to simply eat and live, so as to be able to best give of myself to help peace, love and understanding in the world.

Stepping into the void

I have felt on the edge of the precipice for some time. All my previous projects finished. All my newly proposed projects were rejected by funders. My individual therapy clients have disappeared. Only a few people book on my current Shamanic Dance workshops. So what is happening. Nothingness. The void.
In my dreams and meditations, when I ask the wise spirits what I have to do and how am I supposed to earn and pay my way? The answer I keep getting is "Dance and Clean-up". I have struggled with this. How on earth is dancing and cleaning supposed to pay my rent? But over the last 9 months I have incorporated dancing and cleaning into my daily practice. I can give thanks to the great spirits that I'm not working! This gives me time to Dance and clean.
I am now dancing 5Rhythms with Sangeet, and on my own, some 10 or more hours per week. This has helped my connection with my body and with the earth. The workshops with Sangeet have helped me find trust in my own power, learning to love some old rejected parts of myself.
The cleaning has been more complicated! I have had to face and deal with my attachments to shirts, old projects, my attempts at writing articles and various versions of 'my book', items stored for 'recycling', my beliefs, my emotions, .... Much more cleaning still to do.

My 'last post', the 'first post', was titled 'Finally the beginning', and this phrase has been very present for me over these weeks. Standing at the precipice and stepping into the void are fine concepts, but what do they really mean? How can I know that I am not inventing an interesting fantasy? How do I know I am really there and really ready? Which precipice? What help do I need to trust and step into the void?
Small miracles. Connections with new people through my dancing and support from my dear shamanic friends (Sofía, Stella, Nico and Pio) over these months have helped me discern which voices to listen to and how to trust my steps forward into this void. I thought I had to 'do something' - to 'jump'. In my ignorance, and from my painful experiences, I was expecting some great trauma. But no. I am already well into the void and the Great Spirits are taking care. Suffering is past. Finally the beginning.

There is only love.