As you can see I am struggling with my deepest emotional hurt which interrupts or 'contaminates' all my relationships, business, work, friends, lovers and family. My feelings of 'badness' and being unloved convert into semi-hidden (but perceivable) demands, mistrust, victimism and vengeful anger. My 'free flow of love' is sometimes far from free, and far from love.
This morning a friend 'let me down' and I went into this destructive place. These weeks (and this morning) I catch myself quite quickly when I go into this state. I try and take back anything I have put onto anyone else. But then what? I see that then I proceed to beat myself up. Then I feel more of a victim and more unloved. Here I enter into a very negative cycle, hating everyone starting with myself. Now, from todays struggles in my hell, my back and legs are in severe pain
This is maybe the hardest bit - to learn to keep loving myself when I am being the demanding, vengeful victim. Thanks to Diego on Saturday and Sofía on Sunday for listening to me, supporting me and helping me with this.
The 'magic ingredient' for the grace of the cosmos to flow seems to be this true unconditionality. This means giving unconditional love to myself first, so that I can give it to others. I have also experienced receiving deep appreciation from some other friends this week, where my giving support and love is really less conditional, where I am not hoping to win anything. Suddenly and surprisingly I got sweet spontaneous messages of love.
I see these two different 'exchanges' with people as lessons and indicators of the way forward.
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