In the market

It is one thing to trust the great spirits to take care of me, but I suppose I do have do something more than just dance and clean.

I can be sat here for days in the void, no calls, no clients, nothing .... In these times I have a whole range of impulses - to improve my website, write some new publicity, organise a new course or project, .... But when I try to focus on these activities very little happens other that feeling an extreme tiredness. These are times when I could get swallowed by victimism and sadness. Part of my work at this time is to keep positive and remind myself of all the support I have. I do a medicine wheel, pray and ask for help, then I sleep a bit and do some cleaning or dancing and my energy returns. Today I did my accounts for 2008, several months early when I usually leave them for the last minute!

But still I feel that there is something more I can do. The only idea that keeps arising is "Be in the market place!" Written publicity or webs are about being in the market, but these are not for me at this moment. For me, right now, being in the market place means being out and speaking to people, at meetings, other peoples activities, dancing, ...

This has been difficult in the past because I have set myself up as a kind of Ecological Therapist and 'know all', to try and win approval. What happens in this case is that I place far too many expectations on myself (to save the world in every moment) and on others to recognise me in this role and to collabrate in my neurotic plan. If I go out to speak from this place then I generate more of the same. This is also why I get stuck with writing publicity.

When I can stay in a place of just sharing what is happening to me, right now, without knowing anything or having the solution to anything, (more like here in this blog) .... then I meet people in a different way and a more authentic kind of connection grows. The blog is demanding this of me but it is also being a supportive 'confessor'.