The King rises from the dead

So many deaths over these last two years.

Two years lying horizontal on the sofa, depressed, ....

• with some moments of struggling to hold on to planning for a more secure existence .... ending in failures
• with separations and endings ..... that transform themselves into deep friendships ...
• managing to dance and .... bit by bit .... begin cleaning up my inner world, my relationships and my life
• working with Ho'oponopono: I'm sorry ..., please forgive me ..., thank you ..., I love you ....
• surprising and unexpected new friendships, based on transparency, in spite of all my 'badness' and guilt
  

This week I ran my "Bodywork" module in the ACT Transpersonal Master. In a development from previous modules and a range of procces I have studied, I was moved to develop "my own method" - "Movement for Freedom". And it went very well. More on this later....
Since then I have been feeling more ...., well, more 'vertical', upright, standing up for myself. All week I have been feeling more enthusiastic towards life. Today I cleaned up before having a friend for lunch. I remade the sofa. And after lunch I found myself sitting vertically on the sofa. Don't laugh, this is serious! After two years of horizontallity it is a serious movement.

As I began to write my diary I looked at the previous post and saw that it was on the solstice, day of death and re-birth of the sun. I have the feeling of arising from my own death ... of a new birth. Birth of the King.

My friend says "You are the good King. We need you to start leading us. Stop hiding in shame and start leading." I writhe in uncertainty. "I would be a despot. My hurt, expectations, judgement and vengance would lead to violence." She says "Sometimes heads need to be chopped off." "Aarrgh, but not by me. I am a good boy. Please let this not be me. This is why I don't let myself stand up in my power." "These reflections show that you are now ready" she says, "I will support you."

This imagery has arisen often over the last few years, with a range of different people I trust. So I have hidden even more, to the point of deadening any assertive energy with alcohol. "Better to kill myself that be a despot King."

So now? Am I ready? Am I sufficiently in contact with the Earth? Am I humble enough? ..... to pick up my sword and crown ..... to stand up and lead?

I'm killing myself

There can be no doubt about it now.
A slow suicide. Murderer - victim - witness - anaesthetist,
side by side. The hate and love are one.
I love myself and so want to relieve myself of the pain
of hating myself, so I kill myself.

I have had this song by Concha Buika in my head over
the last months, day and night, and only suddenly
realised last night that I am singing it to myself.

No habra nadie en el mundo
que cure la herida que dejo tu orgullo.
Yo no comprendo que tu me lastimes
con todo todo el amor que tu me diste.
(There is no one in the world
who can cure the wound left by your pride.
I don't understand how you can hurt me
after having loved me so much.)

So how is the end to be? And how long does it take?
Do I suddenly find the will and fight for my life,
this will that I have not found in normal life?
Do I just slip deeper into an anaethetised state,
as seems to be happening in parts of my life?
Do I writhe about in pain as I fall apart in the gutter,
as seems also to be happening at the same time?

Alcoholism is a comforting weapon.
It attacks the cells, liver, heart, muscles, ....
leading to lethargy, tiredness, and only a little pain.
It attacks the spirit, more lethargy and tiredness ....
The Spiritual pain is eased by the general numbness.
One might hardly notice that anything is happening
until there is a major collapse.

And the hand that reaches for the weapon, what of it?
"Just this one. It won't do any harm"
The mouth that swallows the poison, what say you?
"It is a long time since there was any joy in the taste of wine."
And the silent witness to the crime?
"He can control it or say stop at any time?"
The murderer, "There must be a death, for there to be a rebirth".

And the victim repeats the mantra tought by the elders,
"I am bad. I deserve to be punished.
I have done bad things, even if I don't know what they are."

But somewhere there is a feint cry for help
even if it can hardly be heard.
Who is that calling, "Please help me."
And somewhere too, there is always an angel listening.

Losing my mind

Oh, wow!

I think I've lost my mind.

Now where could it be?

If you see it around please let me know,
so that I can keep an eye on it,
and ensure that it keeps its distance.

Waves of Crisis

Well it has been a bit of a roller-coaster these last few weeks. On Monday night my men's group helped me to identify some inner conflicting voices, we did a bit of psychodrama of this. I write it down and speak about it with different friends to get it out of my head and try and work with it. So here is an evolving draft.

I have one inner 'voice' going - "Just get a job like everyone else. To eat and pay the rent everyone has to work. Just swallow your pride for this once and get on with it. I have loads of experience and skills to offer". There are moments I believe this, my energy rises to it and I begin to act on it. Last week I was in a wave of this. The legs and hips were energetic and I even went for a run.

Then (by Friday) my body took over, tiredness, very painful hips and legs, lethargy, unable to focus. I see that over the week I only contacted 2 possibilities, with little enthusiasm. The mind-voice that goes with this is; "I am 55, severely arthritic, never employed, with a strange CV, nobody is going to employ me, and I couldn't do it anyway." I spent Friday and Saturday sobbing, fairly paralysed.

These are accompanied by my sensitive observations (third voice), that we cannot go on in our insensitive blind exploitation of the world and each other;
* global ecological systems are in crisis, water, fish, land, species, climate, ...
* the banks, pension funds, governments are still in super financial crisis
that they are not fully revealing so as not to scare people further
This is all about to break down any minute (2012 or whatever). In this case just getting a job and returning to desensitise myself with the comfort of regular money and consumption will not help me. "My personal crisis is a "City shadow", I have to live it and learn from it, honing my skills and sensitivity, to help others who will face similar crises."

And a fourth voice says OK, all the above have some real and/or neurotic roots but they are also all illusion. Things happen at a wider spiritual, transpersonal dimension. Trust the Gods. Dreams and meditations tell me to trust, pay attention, the 'angels' are taking care of me.

Underneath all of this I see my own deep narcissistic hurt. Deep and paralysing fear of "acting for my own needs, facing up, confronting, being assertive, ....." This has been a content of my own therapy over decades, without any real resolution, though I am much more conscious and self-loving.

My own understanding - and having it out with friends and therapists - is that from the deep narcissistic hurt - I am desperate for love, I have huge expectation on myself and others. People come, really get something from my work, but get scared off by the intensity and expectation (and judgement). So here is where I inhibit the energy flow.

I have been opening my process with my friends around, who are mostly both very scared for me and lovingly supportive. I am learning to ask for support and even money ..... new for me. I am getting out everyday to be with someone, or having long calls with my friends. So I am not falling into complete paralysis and managing to stay fairly present and loving to myself..... even in "the great not knowing". But I am deep in my spiritual - existential crisis.

Yesterday I had a wonderful feedback from one friend - That these are not 'MY inner voices' but mostly introjects from parents, schools etc. It is good to hear them and name them, so as to really and finally let them go .... so as to finally hear my own inner voice. A sense of relief re-hearing this known reality - YES.

On chatting just now with another friend, he had the intuition of something that has also been in my own thoughts over this year or so - That I need to take myself out completely for a few months, with no thoughts of being or acting in 'this material world'. Somewhere like a monastery where I could live simply in a cell and be taken care of, in exchange for some simple work in gardens or kitchen or whatever. Without daily calls and emails and 'worldly hopes' - no thoughts of jobs or rent until I complete my inner spiritual process. This is also a bit scary in 'letting go of the few bits of work that I have and that seem to be on their way', but also gives me a warm feeling in my belly.

Now looking for a monastery for January to March ….

Death to the victim

I have spent much of the last 8 days with pain in my legs, tired and mourning the lack of people who come to my groups or who use my 'services'. From there I fall once more into feeling the victim with the associated expectations and blame on others. "People don't send me clients, the clients I have don't come back, ...."

I got some loving support to be able to connect with and talk about these feelings before the dance group on Friday morning.... so that when we went into the warm-up phase, I found myself already in an 'altered state' swimming, well writhing, in the mud of my arrogance, expectation, judgement and blame. When we came to the introductory sharing round in the group, I felt the need to do a 'Ho,'oponopono' with those present (as symbolic representatives of many others). I now connect with this and offer these feelings to you the reader, right now:
- I'm sorry for how I expect things from you, judge you and blame you
- Please forgive me. Let there be forgiveness for us all.
- Thank you for being in my life and all I learn from our relationships
- I love you

In the rest of the session I danced out all these feelings, re-connecting with myself in the now, re-finding my power and love.

I'm sorry; please forgive me; thank you; I love you

Value and self-esteem

In sharing this contract with some close friends and helpers over these last weeks, some have become quite serious with me: "You can't do this. You have to value yourself. This means putting, and standing by, a real price on your activities and services."

On one hand I agree completely. Most of my life I have not listened to or properly valued my own needs. I have been working with this for over 20 years. I had this in my meditation on Wednesday morning, and found some insight for myself, which I share with you.

Value
What do we value? By which criteria? Value seems (in our culture) to be equivalent to money. I even hear some 'spiritual paths' and approaches like 'the Secret' saying 'if you don't have money then you do not value yourself.' Hm, interesting.
In our culture then the arms-sellers, pornographers, money-traders, lawyers and politicians etc obviously have more self-worth than I do. And the exploited people, land, cultures, resources, etc only have value for their exploitation.

I passed through a meditative phase of battling against the above values. We should create a system which values the creation and support of life as its base. So things such as mothering, childcare, eldercare, earthcare, etc would be the highest paid activities in this economy. But this becomes complicated, and is complicated in our current economy where the 'so called' creators of work and resources are highly valued whilst they destroy or over exploit other elements of the global economy. There can be no heirarchy of value.

In my meditation I became aware once more of the transpersonal sense of self. My individual self has little meaning when not connected to a universal unity or God-self. In this universal unity then everything has value. I have value in as much as I value all existence (known and unknown, pain and pleasure, ...). As Krishnamurti said "There is pain. There is love." In trying to possess them (or money) I (the individual) contribute to the sense of separateness from the God-self.

Either everything, really everything, has equal love and value or I am placing myself above God in deciding which parts of creation are good and bad. Yes I am born into a body and with choice. I do not eat in MacDonalds or have sex with everyone I might fancy. These are choices within the very limited context of the tiny part of God-self I manage here in this life. These cannot be universal declarations regarding value or love.

Contract with God 2

Well it has taken me these last 5 weeks of internal and personal work to come up with a new 'contract' that I feel is authentic and clean. This means clean of manipulations, self-pity or expectation on anyone, even God.

Then I struggled with: If this is a contract with God, should I send it to people? ... Well only if I can do it without any manipulation or expectation. So I have been working to clean out these old aspects. I began to send it this morning ... and here it is.

My contract with life is through the divine which connects us all

We live in times of great transformation. It has become clear in my meditations that my 'work' is to live with trust in the Great Spirit and teach compassion. I am now surrendering to this path of giving and receiving with love.
I dedicate my life to supporting and inspiring others on this journey, as well as inviting support for myself.
Over the last few years I find myself working to help people live with consciousness and integrity. Often this means learning to live in this world, with their body, beliefs, emotions and relationships whilst maintaining a deep spiritual connection.
When I have offered this in a commercial exchange it does not work. Spirit tells me to let go and trust. I now offer this work with love, without any fixed charge.

I cannot know which people, resources etc I will need to carry out the above comittment day by day, so I give thanks that the Great Spirit provides whatever is necessary in each moment.
I live very simply and am open to creative and ecological solutions to meeting my needs.

To ask for help or to support me via my web site - Click here

With Love

Norman

Falling into the game of Mastery

My fears have always limited me:
- Fear that I will become trapped in the role of leader or master and end up abusing others from this role.
- Fear that if I have money and power these will isolate me from living fully in the now, from facing the pains of living as a person in nature, and so inhibit my growth.

On Friday evening with Sofía and Salvador I found myself falling into the role of master. I was blessing Salvador and freeing him from mental struggle of finding a spiritual path. I was giving him a magic experience of feeling loved in the NOW.

But I was doing it from a humble and humorous place. I surprised myself. I had felt this role as serious and a burden, but now suddenly it was something easy, light, a game to be played, a role I could play 100% for a while and then let go of completely, without attachment.

What a liberation! I laughed all the way home, and for the following 24 hours. This now frees me to really shapeshift.... to allow the master in me without fear of entrapment and to relax into abundance without the fear of this isolating me from God.
But I cannot 'plan' these magic moments of mastery or abundance. That would still come out of my fearful attempts to control the future. When I let go into trusting the Great Spitit in the NOW, then I find what I need in each moment.

Facing the void again

Sofía told me a joke today. "A man is hanging over the precipice and calling out 'Help, help, anyone there, please help me'. A choir of angels come around him singing "we are here, let go, we will take care of you." He looks at them saying 'Thank you so much. You are so kind.' Then looks back up the cliff and shouts 'Is there anyone else there, please help me.' "

All these blog words about "Dancing in the now" and "facing the void" are fine 'words', but what is the reality. I have had a little money and the 'void' has been gradually looming ... but over there. Yes there have been lots of small deaths over these months, as preparation.
In my dancing and meditation I am mostly able to be fully in the NOW .... but the rest of the time? Well it is a more patchy story, sometimes yes, sometimes close to it and often lost in the past or future. As the looming void now gets very close, and my struggles come to nothing, this seems to sharpen my attention.

Yesterday a clairvoyant friend gave me a healing treatment. Her message was clear: in trying to control the future I am messing with 'God's business', it is not mine. I have already asked for help, so let it go and get on with living the now. Creating my future from an abundant present. Fine words I thought, maybe I should stop working with her, this is her own stuff telling me this, she is not living what I am.

At night I had a session with my wonderful shaman Pio who has just arrived for the next few weeks. I was asking the Ayahuasca the same question, "what do I have to do to save myself?". So for the first time in over 70 sessions I had no visions, no overwhealming inner dialogues and resolutions, no visits from other beings .... I had nothing. I was well and comfortable in my body, very present, but nothing else. I looked to make some sense of the experience. "Something is wrong. The Ayahuasca is weak. I am escaping looking at my big questions." But no, I was experiencing the void, seeing myself trying to escape from it or fill it with something. Asking Pio he said "Trust, have faith. Read St Francis of Assisi." I began to get the hang of it by the end of the session.

Today in my dancing my proposal was to dance the nothing ... in the void. Difficult, it's one thing in a meditation or doing Ayahuasca with my eyes shut, and quite another dancing around with other people and the eyes open. But I had several moments of it, finishing with a gentle dance right on the edge of the precipice, and then stepping fully over and dancing in the void, feeling the loving energy of 'angels' taking care of me ... trusting.

Another session with Pio tonight

Learning to ask

As this gets closer I have some moments of great fear as well as entering into a kind of pre-death peace with myself and the world.

Over the weekend, out of desparation, I was trying to let a room in my flat ..... to delay the moment a bit longer. I set to cleaning and throwing stuff out ... and did my back in so had to spend two days mostly on the sofa, with little movement ... and recurrent fantasies of ending up a cripple, homeless, sleeping under a bridge. My adverts to let the room have come to nothing. But meditating away from my desparate thoughts and connecting with the NOW - "I am well, what do I need now?" ... a massage. My lovely ex came to mind, "but she has a boyfriend and is sure to be busy" .... I trust my inner feeling and ask with an SMS. "I'll be over later", came the rapid reply.

I also asked to win the lottery ... but it didn't happen.

So 1 out of 3 in the asking lesson. What is the difference between them? In the first and last I am asking from desparation and with expectation. In the second (successful) case I ask out of need and with no expectation.