The King rises from the dead

So many deaths over these last two years.

Two years lying horizontal on the sofa, depressed, ....

• with some moments of struggling to hold on to planning for a more secure existence .... ending in failures
• with separations and endings ..... that transform themselves into deep friendships ...
• managing to dance and .... bit by bit .... begin cleaning up my inner world, my relationships and my life
• working with Ho'oponopono: I'm sorry ..., please forgive me ..., thank you ..., I love you ....
• surprising and unexpected new friendships, based on transparency, in spite of all my 'badness' and guilt
  

This week I ran my "Bodywork" module in the ACT Transpersonal Master. In a development from previous modules and a range of procces I have studied, I was moved to develop "my own method" - "Movement for Freedom". And it went very well. More on this later....
Since then I have been feeling more ...., well, more 'vertical', upright, standing up for myself. All week I have been feeling more enthusiastic towards life. Today I cleaned up before having a friend for lunch. I remade the sofa. And after lunch I found myself sitting vertically on the sofa. Don't laugh, this is serious! After two years of horizontallity it is a serious movement.

As I began to write my diary I looked at the previous post and saw that it was on the solstice, day of death and re-birth of the sun. I have the feeling of arising from my own death ... of a new birth. Birth of the King.

My friend says "You are the good King. We need you to start leading us. Stop hiding in shame and start leading." I writhe in uncertainty. "I would be a despot. My hurt, expectations, judgement and vengance would lead to violence." She says "Sometimes heads need to be chopped off." "Aarrgh, but not by me. I am a good boy. Please let this not be me. This is why I don't let myself stand up in my power." "These reflections show that you are now ready" she says, "I will support you."

This imagery has arisen often over the last few years, with a range of different people I trust. So I have hidden even more, to the point of deadening any assertive energy with alcohol. "Better to kill myself that be a despot King."

So now? Am I ready? Am I sufficiently in contact with the Earth? Am I humble enough? ..... to pick up my sword and crown ..... to stand up and lead?